30: Awareness is a helluva drug.

The end of my 20’s and the beginning of my 30’s 

This upcoming decade has no map. I had no idea what my 20’s would hold - but I had a place to start - finish college, find a career that I love, take care of myself, and try to find a wife (shoutout to Texas + religion!). Try everything on, and lean on that youth card when things don’t work out. 

From living in Santa Barbara to London to San Francisco to New York, my twenties were endless adventure: 

Every possible road trip between Baja and Big Sur. 

Walking from Mexico to Canada on the pacific crest trail where I learned to listen to my thoughts.

Starting my own business to stick it to the man.

Stomach aches in Southeast Asia.

Solo travel in Bali to drop in on waves that scared the shit out of me. 

Snowboarding in Japan for the fresh powder that we never found. 

The list goes on. 

I tend to define my life by the things I do, but lately, I’ve come to focus on how I feel. The way we experience life is the key. I struggled with spouts of depression after the trail, loneliness as everyone else got married. I lost jobs, I lost love, and I lost my father.

Through it all, I rarely felt good enough. Good enough for what? For Who? I rarely felt good enough for myself and I reflected that narrative into almost every situation. Then I started to recognize myself, to show up how I’ve wanted to show up, and to love myself for who I am, not what I’ve done, or what other people think. These feelings still come up for me, but I can feel them fading. It feels way better to be proud of yourself than to judge yourself. 

In this upcoming decade, there’s no expectation. No college, marry, find a job, buy a house bullshit. Maybe I’ll finally find powder in Japan, maybe I’ll start another business, and maybe I’ll fall in love, but most of all, maybe I’ll stay happy.